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POSITION:
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Ma
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for
challenging permanent work in an, often
chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent
communication and organizational skills
and be willing to work variable
hours, which will include evenings and
weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on
call. Some overnight travel
required, including trips to primitive
camping sites on rainy weekends and
endless sports tournaments in far
away cities. Travel expenses not
reimbursed. Extensive courier duties
also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life. Must be willing
to be hated, at least temporarily, until
someone needs $5. Must be
willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also,
must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule and be able to go
from zero to 60 mph in three seconds
flat in case, this time, the screams
from the backyard are not someone
just crying wolf. Must be willing to
face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair,
mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck
zippers. Must screen phone calls,
maintain calendars and coordinate
production of multiple homework
projects. Must have ability to plan and
organize social gatherings for clients
of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be
willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety
testing of a half million cheap, plastic
toys, and battery operated
devices. Must always hope for the best
but be prepared for the worst. Must
assume final, complete
accountability for the quality of the
end product. Responsibilities also
include floor maintenance and janitorial
work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in
the same position for years, without
complaining, constantly retraining
and updating your skills, so that those
in your charge can ultimately surpass
you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job
training offered on a continually
exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering
frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon
payment is due when they turn 18
because of the assumption that college
will help them become financially
independent. When you die, you
give them whatever is left. The oddest
thing about this reverse-salary scheme
is that you actually enjoy it and
wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no
pension, no tuition reimbursement, no
paid holidays and no stock
options are offered; this job supplies
limitless opportunities for personal
growth and free hugs for life if you
play your cards right.
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